Licences, tickets ans fireworks

This has been one of the most interesting weeks I've had since long before my wedding.

It started out on Tuesday when I got something I haven't had since I was 15: A learner's permit. When I was a young Joey I ended up not getting my license due to some financial difficulties, and for the last 13 years have been bumming rides and riding busses all over the world. It has it's ups and downs. I've become a connoisseur of passenger seats and I can copilot the Enterprise at this point. But at the request of my beloved wife I spent several hours over two days waiting in lines at the DMV before finally passing the written exam and getting my learner's permit.



Before you make the joke everyone's already been warned to stay off the road, or the sidewalk, or out of the sky or wherever the car may end up. Of course it becomes less funny when I say that the first time I drove in years I accidentally put my bosses front headlight into some guy's trailer hitch. Besides some plastic and a very sorry personal assistant, no harm was done. The headlight even still works. But I've decided it's a good thing to get out of your system, like the chicken pox or getting arrested for streaking.

It happens to everyone.

Wednesday morning I received an email from the Salt Lake Comic Con press desk telling me that my other blog Mormon Geeks has been approved for press passes. I had to call my buddy and co-writer Stephen and screamed for five minutes straight on the phone. My little blog got to be press at Fantasy Con earlier this month and that gave both the blog and my writers and I a boost. Writing about arts and entertainment is my dream job. Fantasy Con was me feeling in my power and fabulous, and the chance to do it all again gets my tiny shriveled heart pumping.

Wrapping up my week was a party I held for my friends and family celebrating Pioneer day. Last year Katie and I had pooled our money plus anyone who was around's money into getting fireworks to light off, unfortunately we did this the day of and only ended up with $30. Throwing matches into the street would've been a better show than what we had, so this year I decided to do it right. We started asking for donations about a month ahead and ended up with over $100. I took the money to Black Cat fireworks, the best fireworks in the state, and went all out on a show worthy of Brigham Young.

We ended up with something new this year: Aerial fireworks. They've only been legal in Utah for a few years, and for good reason. The state in the summer is a tinderbox of weeds and dried plant life. We figured a bucket of water and a handy hose ought to be enough to protect us.

We were almost wrong.

The show was going well, everyone was entertained and fed, and then we let off one of the big ones. The box was huge, not the biggest we had but a bit smaller. I did what anyone with a healthy survival instinct would do: Lit the fuse and ran. The firework went off beautifully at first, going into the sky in a fantastic display of color, then the box tipped over and shot directly into the yard across the street. We had just enough time to gasp before another shot came straight at us. After shooting the neighbor the thing must've been flipped over towards us, and then the screaming began. Sparks were everywhere as everyone looked for cover. When the smoke cleared nobody was hurt and no damage, but we moved the rest of the fireworks away from the sidewalk.

So overall this week I've had a monumental career opportunity, ran into a parked car, and nearly lit my friends and loved ones on fire.

Productive overall.

-JOE

My top ten most embarrassing interests

     Everyone has them. Those movies, TV shows, and just... Things... They like that admitting in public will cause extreme amounts of blushing, or explaining, or just saying "Shut up" a lot.

So this is my list. They are ranked in how embarrassed I am to say that I like these properties.

     

Go ahead and make fun of me in the comments.

       

10. COPS

   Bad boys bad boys... Growing up every Saturday night the TV would be on Fox to watch this proto-reality series. When I visit my mom's and get control of the cable I immediately go to one of those super white trash channels that usually has a marathon of this show running and I will literally sit for hours watching people get arrested for doing stupid stuff and still want more. The reason it's on this list is because I hate admitting to liking anything white trash, the reason it's so low is because it's easy to justify why it's fun.

     

Don't taze me man!

   

9. Moulon Rogue

  I know a lot of people like this movie, but most of the people I know who like this movie are women so it's kind of weird as a man to admit to liking it, but the bombastic colors, the hooker with a heart of gold cheesy love plot, and especially the music makes this one of my favorite films to watch or listen to. In fact a friend of mine moved over the weekend and "Lady Marmalade" and "Tango Des Los Roxanne" was playing in my ear as I wrestled boxes into a car.

   

8. Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series

My mom got me into this one. I just want to say in my hipstery voice that I was way into vampire/werewolf/human love triangles WAY before Twilight, and this book series to me does it right. How? Because the main character Anita actually has a personality! Imagine that! And her love interests are not "Hunky boy #1" or "Hunky boy #2", she has a reason to be in conflict. If you like pulpy adventures with an expertly written female protagonist check out this series, then come back and explain to me why this thing doesn't have a TV series.

  

7. Animal Crossing: New Leaf

For those who don't know, Animal Crossing: New Leaf is a game that came out for Nintendo's 3DS last year to rave reviews from children and teenage girls alike, and while I was suspicious when I first bought it I have now logged in almost as many hours as I have on my Skyrim game. This thing is digital crack. All it is though is that you are the mayor of a small town of animal people and you run around catching up on gossip, fishing, fossil hunting, and building your little house. It is the cutesiest game I own and so help me I know I lose man points for playing it... but I can't wait to play again tomorrow when I can turn my little basement into a sauna with fireplace.

  

6. Kid Histories/Kid Snippets

 These Utah based guys have made a bundle telling their kids stories from their lives, then asking the kids to repeat the stories, then acting out the versions of the stories the kids tell, complete with random ramblings and incorrect facts. It is so highly entertaining and funny though that it's a wonder nobody has yet to copy these guys. I spotted one of the guys at Fantasy Con and almost went to say hi but was embarrassed to admit that I have spent hours listening to his kids tell stories.

5. Sex and the City

Whatever man points I had left just slipped right out of my account, but I don't care. I actually own three seasons and one movie of this franchise. I have agonized as Carey, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte have fallen in and out of love. I have seen nearly every episode, I know all the stupid romances, and I just love that Carey and I are both writers (Although every internet quiz I take tells me I'm Samantha. Go figure). I even to this day, much to my wife's annoyance, yelled at the screen because I still think Carey should go with Aiden and not that giant loser Mr. Big. UGGGH!

   

4. Muppets

I know what you're going to say: "Who doesn't love the Muppets?"

No, you don't understand.

I  have like a dozen Muppet songs floating around my iPod with my Moulin Rogue stuff and Sex and the City songs. Muppet's Christmas Carol is my favorite Christmas movie. Used to be at the drop of a hat I could sing the entire, ENTIRE, soundtrack to Muppets Take Manhattan. Disneyland has a Muppet Theater that we had to go to three times, because it had real Muppets. Somewhere in my junk I own a Tin Weirdo, which is a Gonzo version of the Tin Man from Muppet's Wizard of Oz.

It's a little sick.

   

   3. Showgirls

Note: I could not find an appropriate picture for Showgirls so

for your viewing pleasure here is a cute cow.

 I love this movie, but not for why you think. For the uninitiated, Showgirls is one of the biggest financial flops of all time. Starring Jessie from Saved By the Bell as she struggles up the seedy and wicked Las Vegas exploitative adult entertainment industry, from stripper to topless performer to better paid topless performer to star. The film is NC17 for some extremely racy nude scenes, but that's not why I like it. I like it because the film is so beyond stupid as a student of film it's just entertaining to watch something fail so hard. It spins all the way back to why I like watching people get taken down on COPS. Even the NC17 parts are done so badly that they don't come off as sexy but as one woman, no, one film's desperate struggle for attention and love. The film is literally throwing naked women at the audience in an effort to be likable and is failing so hard it comes back around and somehow becomes likable again. The embarrassment comes from knowing full well that I shouldn't watch this, for not only the sake of taste but for the sake of just being LDS, but holy Hera is it entertaining!

 

2. IM5 and other boy bands

Why on Earth are we seeing a resurgance of boy bands? That's like seeing a resurgence of traveling minstrels, though with what the internet has given us with regards to social commentary and music... But I digress. Even at their peak they're were one or two songs I liked from boy bands. I'm still fond of "Backstreet's Back" by you know who, and the LDS Sons of Provo back in the day had a few good ones, but hearing some of the newest stuff, mainly from working at Toys R Us, I have to say that some of these guys aren't half bad. "Best Song Ever" is fun and light hearted without being too cheesy, but the top of my list is this band that's starting to pick up some momentum called IM5. Honestly the stuff they themselves make is hit-or-miss for me, but it's when they work with Tordick Hall on his website that I get excited. These boys will occasionally drop the thug life stuff and call themselves the Disney Dudez and do cover/remixes of Disney songs. These boys are not afraid to look like fools for the sake of having fun, including dressing up not only as Disney princes, but as their corresponding princesses. You have to check them out.

   

Before I get to #1 a couple honorable mentions:

   

Rocky Horror Picture Show: Come on, it's Rocky, what can I say?

Zero Punctuation: A foul mouthed British/Austrailian video game critic who makes weekly cartoons insulting everyone on Earth? I'm in. Favorite quote: "It's like watching someone beat their hands against a wall then run to the hospital to get bandaged up before doing it some more. And they used my medical insurance. and it's my wall!"

   

  The Sims: I have played and owned nearly every incarnation of the Sims at one time. Not Sim City. Not sim games. The Sims. The game where you manipulate people's lives like some sick being with a God complex. I love love LOVE this game, and probably always will.

 

1: Monster High

 In my Mormon Geek's blog I posted a video showing support to a kid who was teased for being a Brony by showing off my doll collection.

My Monster High doll collection.

My Monster High doll collection that features over two dozen dolls.

Due to lack of space and the fact that they scare my wife, my Monster High dolls

   are sadly in a box in my closet, sleeping. Now for the record, the only things I follow are the dolls and the web series, I'm not into the movies or any weird little girl dress up thing. I think the series plays out like a modern Bugs Bunny with gags for kids but plenty of subtle tributes for adults, and I think the overall design of the characters and dolls is interesting, and since they're based on Universal Monsters (Unofficially) and I'm a huge Universal Monsters fan (Officially), it was a natural fit to get into these. The reason that despite making a web videoshowing off my dolls I"m still embarrassed is because unlike Bronies they're isn't a strong male demographic into Monster High, at least none that I've found at time of writing, so it's still a huge taboo, especially since these things are based mostly on the fashions of teenage monster girls.

Do you share any of my guilty pleasures? Wanna make fun of me? You know what to do...

-JOE

New Calling

I was lead into the Primary room after sacrament, which is a room I was barely aware was in the church. I had the same problem the first day I worked at Toys R Us and had to be told that we had a baby section. Having never had kids it was just a part of the building I had never had use for. We walk in and meet our new little wards. Being in charge of the 3-4 year olds the biggest challenge for the first hour of this new ritual I also didn't know existed called "sharing time" is keeping everyone facing forward and paying attention.

Well they told me it was going to happen. I thought they were lying, prayed they were lying, but no, it happened.

We got called to the Primary.

I am now teaching Sunbeams.

When the guy from the bishopric told my wife and I we were being called to the Primary I was so stunned I didn't say anything for a full five minutes. This has honestly been my nightmare for years. I have never thought anyone would think it was a good idea to have me work with children.

Some background: There was a rule growing up that no child was allowed in my house that was younger than my brother, so I never encountered children growing up. My cousins didn't start having babies till I was well out of the house, and my brother was only a couple years younger than me. The only child in my immediate family is my niece Bella, who turned 6 last week, but I've only ever seen her once every few weeks.

I have no experience with children.

Okay maybe that's an extreme. I do have my niece, plus I have plenty of friends who have kids of their own that I've interacted with. I even once watched 4 of my friend's little ones for an entire hour once, but that doesn't really give me street cred to be Mary Poppins. On top of that, I think I attended Primary twice in my childhood, and neither experience left pleasant memories.

For me there's more.

After getting the call I threw up on Facebook that we got the call to Primary, and I received several messages congratulating us and saying how perfect I would be teaching the little kids, their biggest reason being that I'm "A big kid" or "a kid at heart".

What does that mean?

Some even went so far as to say that because I collect toys I can relate to the kids. That one I want to counter point right now. Yes I collect toys, but I don't collect them for the same reason kids do. I do not spend hours creating melodramas with my action figures where the Green Power Ranger joins the Justice League, or have tea parties with my Disney dolls. I collect them, display them, use them in photography, but that doesn't help me relate to kids.

Back to the big kid thing, I know it was said in love and kindness. Nobody suggested that I was emotionally or mentally stunted or that I was immature, at least I hope not. I had to have my wife explain that in her mind it meant that I like having fun, that fun was a core need of mine, which is true. I guess that's something we have in common, yet I can't just sit around and play with the kids all day. They're are boundaries to enforce, lessons to teach, rules to make. As much as I am or am not a big kid, in this situation I have to be the grown up.

Okay, that was last week, now onto the actual meat and potatoes: What's it like to be in Primary? Is it my worst nightmare come true? Well kinda not actually.

After sharing time we moved into our little classroom with our four new students. After some singing, coloring, and a discussion on how we should treat our families, the panic of not knowing what to do with children started to settle down. As the kids went off with their parents, drawings of their families/drawings of their favorite toys/ a drawing I did on one little girl's sheet of a dinosaur eating a train which sent the entire class into hysterical giggles in hand, I realized that I was looking forward to next week and preparing another lesson for these little people. These are people who aren't yet jaded to the world, who talk about princesses and dinosaurs without a sense of irony but as things they truly enjoy, and who see the gospel and the church as a place of safety and comfort, and have yet to been hurt by our cynical
world. I bet good money that these kids probably won't remember me in a few years, I may even have to reintroduce myself next week, but maybe they'll have a feeling that the church is somewhere safe and fun.

Of course this is just the first week...

-JOE

One year later...

Wow.
Somehow I let this blog slide for an entire year...
That's sad.
So what have I been doing instead of writing you ask?
Well let me tell you:

1: Writing for my other blog
Nearly two years ago three friends and I started a blog together, Mormongeeks.com, which is beyond awesome and which I have made a weekly commitment to. It's harder to let something slide when I have three friends keeping me on my toes so that one stayed active while this one fell by the wayside. Definately check it out though, they'res tons of good stuff over there and we update every week.

2: Finding, losing and finding another job
In the course of the last year I picked up a job at Toys R Us (Which I can now say comfortably because I no longer work for them) and lost it. By lost I mean recently I put in my two weeks notice because the other job I now have, which since I work there I do not feel comfortable discussing just yet, offered me better pay, more autonomy, better working conditions, and an overall better step to my career. One day I want to write a full blog about my experiences there, but let's just say I learned a lot about retail and the public.

3: I GOT MARRIED!!!
When last we left I was engaged to my lifelong friend Katie Ecker and two months ago we were married in the Bountiful temple. Here's a link to our wedding pics from my other blog. Between the engagement, wedding and honeymoon, much of my life fell by the wayside and I'm still trying to catch up.

4: The winter of Hell
I'll definitely talk about this later, but do the words "Toys R Us at Christmas" mean anything to you?

Anyway, so now I am married, work as a personal assistant to someone in a very interesting profession, live in Bountiful Utah, and have time to once again use the internet to spew the random nonsense that enters my head.

Be prepared folks, this may get weird.

-JOE